I miss you, merlot.

Gorilla knuckles.

2011-11-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant causes some very fun, realistic dreams.

Toward the beginning I had a dream about having really hairy knuckles.

So now every few days, even though it's silly, I shave my knuckles.

You know, just in case. Doesn't hurt.

Super Baby.

2011-10-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's funny to think about Baby in there just doing regular and normal growing fetus stuff, but all of it seems so amazing and exciting and perfect and charming.

Like, awwww, Baby kicked me/had a normal heartbeat/woke up with her father's ten thousand alarms/stuck her tongue out like Gene Simmons during her ultrasound/etc. What a perfectly charming and wonderful thing for her to do!

Baby already has me duped.

2011-10-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

I can't explain how painful it is to have a baby poking at my ribs. It is very painful though. The best I can do is lay on my side and feel better but useless, or shove Baby down. The other day I got so fed up and shoved her out so fast she actually hit my hand back in response. Ha! It's discouraging that this is happening daily though because I hate to think this pain will last until she's born or drops or whatever. I wish complaining made me feel better and not just whiny.

I don't know what to think that I find so much comfort in the fact Rachel Zoe had a baby. I also don't know what to think about watching several episodes of her show and finding comfort that she vocalized a lot of the same things I think about and feel. I don't know. Babe. Bananas.

I am going to be glad when I am out of this squishy pregnant phase. When's that anyway, magically and immediately after L&D? I am not as crazy about how fat I am anymore, but I will be really glad to feel and look normal again.

I wish I could take a vacation by myself alone with no one else for the remainder of my pregnancy. Overall I am not feeling like I get much of what I need (want?) from people but I get plenty of counterproductive everything. And it's really annoying.

And I am not trying to sound rotten or spoiled because I am getting loads of help and I am very grateful.

It'd be cool to feel like Baby-father got it a little more. It's exciting to see how much he is learning and in the nick of time, but it'd be reassuring to see a lot more growth. It makes me really nervous.

I wish my brother were around to be a stronger force and influence. LAskfjk;asjfkjahfjk.

Anyway. Seriously, I cannot wait until I am not fat. Also, body pillow; AMAZING. Especially at bed time when combined with the Nature Sound Series "Relaxing Rain Ambience" track on a loop.

Boy, Girl, Monkey, or Squirrel

2011-10-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

The other day I tuned in to a part of “30 Rock” where Tina Fey was admiring a baby and commented on what a cute little boy he was... or girl if that's what he felt was right inside. Or something to that effect.

It actually made me feel a little less insane about my own gender-trapped-in-the-wrong-gender-body thoughts. Because I can't imagine most pregnant women, or people in general, entertain thoughts like that the way I do.

It's not that I would be upset if my daughter felt more like she were my son. I don't care. My only concerns and sadness would be for what she would have to go through most likely to become the person she needed to be. He. You know, whatever.

It is weird to think about wanting my little fetus-baby to have an easy life. But at the same time I really don't because I want her to be a well rounded, grounded person and that will require some hard life lessons every so often.

I just hope when those times come, I can be of help and there when she needs me and wants me and we don't have some sort of unfortunate and damaged relationship that keeps her from feeling comfortable with me. At the very least I hope she can know I'll always be there for whatever it is even if it's just a knowledge in the back of her mind.

Panicking?

2011-09-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am kind of freaking out that it is getting near the end and I am so ill prepared for L&D.

Not only should I have signed up sooner for classes (weeks ago), but they are a lot more money than I anticipated.

Looks like I screwed the pooch on this one.

I am really torn between the know-stuff-beforehand approach and the do-this-blindly-since-Baby-will-be-born-anyway approach. Because it seems like maybe the ship has sailed on taking classes.

This is a time it would be really fantastic if I could dull this down with, oh, several drinks.

Last one.

2011-09-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

If Baby ever asks me about being pregnant, I am going to tread carefully.

I won't mention the part where it was a lot of drinking mocktails and fighting loneliness and sad thoughts.

Boo.

2011-09-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice other pregnant women's partners are able to work full time positions and still be able to come home and be supportive or do some small chores no problem.

Without tossing around 50s-sounding terms like “bread winner” as an excuse for why they don't have to participate once work is over that make one feel demeaned and unreasonable and kept in some sort of “place”.

I am not aiming to take a shit on anyone, but I cannot help but feel like if I had planned on biologically having a family, I would have looked for a partner with more supportive characteristics for this very trying time.

I find myself feeling jealous of women... mostly women I don't even really know... with partners totally into their whole pregnancy process wanting to be proactive and help and even thinking that a pregnant woman can still be something nice to look at.

I don't know... Mine helps as much as he feels comfortable. Like tossing some food at me or buying me an occasional present. Which is cool, but not really what I want or need.

I also can't help but notice since all this started happening he suddenly has a social life that takes him away from home as often as possible. I can't say I blame him because he's got his own stuff to sort through and I'm not that fun to hang around. And as things stand I'd rather be left alone than kvetched at. I am sure he wishes he were getting more from me as well.

I guess I wouldn't mind feeling pretty despite a look I find unappealing instead of harped on for not telling myself I look good and then on top having a bad attitude -- and looking good "for being pregnant" is hardly a compliment. I wouldn't mind not feeling like a bitch for thinking a couple chores weren't unreasonable or thinking he can clean at least his own mess. I wouldn't mind looking at stuff together that needs to get done for Baby without all the annoyance and disgust. I don't want to be told I should be happy or this or that. Who the hell do I get to talk to or when do I get to go blow off steam?

Damn horomones and neediness?

Everything that happens now just makes me feel uneasy about the future.

I just wish I had reassurance and support the way I want and need it and not the way someone else feels like giving it to me, and less like I have someone who loves taking the piss out of me.

Universe & U

2011-09-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

It makes me nervous to think about singing to Baby when she is born because I am by no means a singer, but sometimes I sing for Baby when I'm driving. Just to try it out and practice.

I like singing her that song, since I can kind of get a handle on it... Singing is going to be one of those weird, unnatural things I do only as a mother that will take getting used to.

Oh dag.

2011-09-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

Who is going to shave my legs for me (...and stuff) if/when I can't anymore?

Also, I am really unamused by the changes that have been going on with my bellybutton.

I cannot bend over and I am kind of sorry.

2011-09-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

So I feel like a bitch when I knock something/something falls on the floor and my response is to pause and stare at it. Because 95% of the time I can't simply bend over to pick it up. I could contort myself oddly to get down there to grab it, but I would really rather not.

Most of the time I just look at whatever it is down there on the ground, assess, and walk away.

I think it's becoming slightly more acceptable because I finally have a belly to show for this pregnancy whereas for a long time before I just looked very rude.

Makes me feel kind of bad though. To whom it may concern... Sorry.

I continue to be reasonable and respond well to life.

2011-09-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

I can't explain it, but I hate it when people, like strangers or acquaintances, blatantly look at my belly. Like that lingering glance-stare. Because a glance and a stare can happen simultaneously. I think it makes me feel judged, but I am not sure in what way. Not to mention I am sensitive to any attention in the first place because I'm *that* kind of person.

From now on my response for women will be to look at their boobs and for men (which is a lot more rare?) I will look at their crotch.

This isn't the Renaissance.

2011-09-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

It has been really fun getting not only fat, but as of late also swollen. I don't even know how to describe the swollen-ness. It seems to be out of my hands though. I hate seeing it in my face and my cool new cankles. I feel like this:

Which is all well and fine. 500 years ago during the Renaissance times when that look was in. For paintings. And I wasn't in the mindset of doing P90X and trying to look trim and eat well.

Yeah.

I can't seem to help it either that telepathically Baby is some sort of culinary genius. She even has good ideas for not so fancy things, like cinnamon toast crunch and oatmeal mixed together and topped with chocolate almond milk. I would never eat that sort of thing all on my own, but she seems to really know how to sell it to me because I get these overwhelming desires for specific food dishes and those desires cannot be ignored.

I think the worst is when I come up with an idea of something I want in my head before I check the kitchen for all the necessary items and realize I can't make whatever it was that sounded so good. That's an anger that's hard to come back from. I swear 90% of my hormones are connected to eating and food. I have cried over food. I don't cry much in the first place.

I hope this Baby enjoys now, because once she's out here this sort of thing won't fly anymore. We are both going to have healthier diets.

Getting this initial one over with.

2011-09-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be blogging for so many reasons, even if only because I am pretty sure it's listed in “Stuff That White People Like”. However, being the first among my group to be doing this baby thing, and having no one to talk to or relate to me while I have all sorts of thoughts and feelings flying around my head, I figure I may as well talk to no one... and everyone (with the internet) all at once. It will be like free therapy with an added bonus of judgment.

I can tell myself it's cool at least I am doing this family thing before I am 25, making me young and whatever else is appealing about starting a family before one is 25 years old. Except I am not handling this pregnancy process all that well and I always assumed if I felt the need to have a kid it would be via the adoption process and no fetuses would ever be sharing my body. Also in part because I liked to drink a lot and I hear babies don't do large quantities of hard liquor and merlot so naturally we wouldn't be cohabiting. It is absolutely not a natural thought or process for me. I don't agree that just because a body has a capacity for “something” that “something” is natural. I've never had that same biological tick lots of women have and knew my urge to have a family would be in adopting a kid. Ever since a child I was wired like this. I didn't even imagine being married and having a family. Just growing up and doing stuff and adopting a family if I felt like a child or twelve.

That being said, I always knew if I became pregnant I would be having Baby. I've never even doubted I would be a good mom. And my unhappiness with being pregnant is no reflection on Baby. I can't wait for her to get here and be an outside-baby and I am already crazy about her. She had to have worked hard to be here and I am already impressed and adore her. But being pregnant is super uncomfortable and not the delightful process other women clearly lie about. Liars. Those who truly believe it are a special breed. I plan on warning Baby about this when she is old enough to have children herself. I think people should know the facts. Ha!

So baically, long story short, I have been in need of an outlet for all pregnancy thoughts and feelings. Just ramble those annoying suckers right out of my head. I write too slow to have a real journal. But this is for me and not anyone's good read so I am not apologizing for anything. Except any misspellings and/or grammatical and/or punctuation errors.

This first post is already not as coherent and cohesive as I'd like. I hate introducing and explaining things. Glad to have this first post out of the way.

Bluh. Fin.