Gorilla knuckles.

Being pregnant causes some very fun, realistic dreams.

Toward the beginning I had a dream about having really hairy knuckles.

So now every few days, even though it's silly, I shave my knuckles.

You know, just in case. Doesn't hurt.

Super Baby.

It's funny to think about Baby in there just doing regular and normal growing fetus stuff, but all of it seems so amazing and exciting and perfect and charming.

Like, awwww, Baby kicked me/had a normal heartbeat/woke up with her father's ten thousand alarms/stuck her tongue out like Gene Simmons during her ultrasound/etc. What a perfectly charming and wonderful thing for her to do!

Baby already has me duped.

I can't explain how painful it is to have a baby poking at my ribs. It is very painful though. The best I can do is lay on my side and feel better but useless, or shove Baby down. The other day I got so fed up and shoved her out so fast she actually hit my hand back in response. Ha! It's discouraging that this is happening daily though because I hate to think this pain will last until she's born or drops or whatever. I wish complaining made me feel better and not just whiny.

I don't know what to think that I find so much comfort in the fact Rachel Zoe had a baby. I also don't know what to think about watching several episodes of her show and finding comfort that she vocalized a lot of the same things I think about and feel. I don't know. Babe. Bananas.

I am going to be glad when I am out of this squishy pregnant phase. When's that anyway, magically and immediately after L&D? I am not as crazy about how fat I am anymore, but I will be really glad to feel and look normal again.

I wish I could take a vacation by myself alone with no one else for the remainder of my pregnancy. Overall I am not feeling like I get much of what I need (want?) from people but I get plenty of counterproductive everything. And it's really annoying.

And I am not trying to sound rotten or spoiled because I am getting loads of help and I am very grateful.

It'd be cool to feel like Baby-father got it a little more. It's exciting to see how much he is learning and in the nick of time, but it'd be reassuring to see a lot more growth. It makes me really nervous.

I wish my brother were around to be a stronger force and influence. LAskfjk;asjfkjahfjk.

Anyway. Seriously, I cannot wait until I am not fat. Also, body pillow; AMAZING. Especially at bed time when combined with the Nature Sound Series "Relaxing Rain Ambience" track on a loop.

Boy, Girl, Monkey, or Squirrel

The other day I tuned in to a part of “30 Rock” where Tina Fey was admiring a baby and commented on what a cute little boy he was... or girl if that's what he felt was right inside. Or something to that effect.

It actually made me feel a little less insane about my own gender-trapped-in-the-wrong-gender-body thoughts. Because I can't imagine most pregnant women, or people in general, entertain thoughts like that the way I do.

It's not that I would be upset if my daughter felt more like she were my son. I don't care. My only concerns and sadness would be for what she would have to go through most likely to become the person she needed to be. He. You know, whatever.

It is weird to think about wanting my little fetus-baby to have an easy life. But at the same time I really don't because I want her to be a well rounded, grounded person and that will require some hard life lessons every so often.

I just hope when those times come, I can be of help and there when she needs me and wants me and we don't have some sort of unfortunate and damaged relationship that keeps her from feeling comfortable with me. At the very least I hope she can know I'll always be there for whatever it is even if it's just a knowledge in the back of her mind.

Panicking?

I am kind of freaking out that it is getting near the end and I am so ill prepared for L&D.

Not only should I have signed up sooner for classes (weeks ago), but they are a lot more money than I anticipated.

Looks like I screwed the pooch on this one.

I am really torn between the know-stuff-beforehand approach and the do-this-blindly-since-Baby-will-be-born-anyway approach. Because it seems like maybe the ship has sailed on taking classes.

This is a time it would be really fantastic if I could dull this down with, oh, several drinks.

Last one.

If Baby ever asks me about being pregnant, I am going to tread carefully.

I won't mention the part where it was a lot of drinking mocktails and fighting loneliness and sad thoughts.

Boo.

I can't help but notice other pregnant women's partners are able to work full time positions and still be able to come home and be supportive or do some small chores no problem.

Without tossing around 50s-sounding terms like “bread winner” as an excuse for why they don't have to participate once work is over that make one feel demeaned and unreasonable and kept in some sort of “place”.

I am not aiming to take a shit on anyone, but I cannot help but feel like if I had planned on biologically having a family, I would have looked for a partner with more supportive characteristics for this very trying time.

I find myself feeling jealous of women... mostly women I don't even really know... with partners totally into their whole pregnancy process wanting to be proactive and help and even thinking that a pregnant woman can still be something nice to look at.

I don't know... Mine helps as much as he feels comfortable. Like tossing some food at me or buying me an occasional present. Which is cool, but not really what I want or need.

I also can't help but notice since all this started happening he suddenly has a social life that takes him away from home as often as possible. I can't say I blame him because he's got his own stuff to sort through and I'm not that fun to hang around. And as things stand I'd rather be left alone than kvetched at. I am sure he wishes he were getting more from me as well.

I guess I wouldn't mind feeling pretty despite a look I find unappealing instead of harped on for not telling myself I look good and then on top having a bad attitude -- and looking good "for being pregnant" is hardly a compliment. I wouldn't mind not feeling like a bitch for thinking a couple chores weren't unreasonable or thinking he can clean at least his own mess. I wouldn't mind looking at stuff together that needs to get done for Baby without all the annoyance and disgust. I don't want to be told I should be happy or this or that. Who the hell do I get to talk to or when do I get to go blow off steam?

Damn horomones and neediness?

Everything that happens now just makes me feel uneasy about the future.

I just wish I had reassurance and support the way I want and need it and not the way someone else feels like giving it to me, and less like I have someone who loves taking the piss out of me.